Remember when I said that I wanted a life where I could do yoga in the morning? It was going to help me be healthy and focused and calm. I put it out to the universe and in true Oprah-style, I got that. Well, turns out, I got what I wished for but what I wished for was the wrong thing. I do indeed currently have a situation that allows me the time to do yoga in the morning. What I actually needed to say is that I want to actually DO yoga in the morning. I’m so good at planning, notsogood at the execution.
I have a bit more than a year left on our grand Hawaii experience and I often feel like I’m wasting my precious moments here. I work 3 days a week, one at a paid job and two unpaid doing my financial stuff. My work day never starts before noon unless I want it to. I have a ridiculous amount of free time. (So I can imagine that at this point you may want to smack me. “Is she really going to find something to complain about??” Yep. But bear with me.)
How much time did I spend blathering on here about how my situation was getting in the way of my joy? I kept blaming my jobs. Turns out, as my faithful readers probably have known all along, it was me. It still is me. Me who gets in the way of my joy. Most hurdles are gone– I have the ideal situation for which to find myself, my passion, my joy. I live in one of the most beautiful places, I have access to a warm, clear ocean to play in, I have a husband who supports whatever I need to do to get my shit together. And yet, I do nothing. (Except cleaning. I feel like I’m forever cleaning the house. I blame the vog bringing in volcanic dust… Yeah, that’s it.).
Before I left Virginia I told a friend that I’d come back from Hawaii leaner, fitter, tanner, happier and for good measure, taller (but I won’t beat myself up that one). Well, I am tan. And definitely happier. I’ve failed miserably at the rest. I can’t be joyous if I’m not taking care of my whole self. (Yoga, while something that is important for me to do for my health, is mostly a metaphor for all the things that I want to do to find joy. I’m not so ridiculous as to write an entire post whining that I can’t get out of ‘couch pose’.) It feels like I’m failing at this joy business– still!
Ya know, in an old post I talked about how I didn’t even feel like I was at zero. I was at a joy deficit and needed to come into neutral before I could move forward. I needed to clear away the negatives. Maybe this is just that. Maybe it’s taken me this long to dig myself out of the crap hole I’d gotten myself into. In that case, today I declare myself at least joy neutral. I have a feeling I’m actually better off than that, but this will serve as the official point. Now I just need to get out of my own damn way.